A little handbook of the invitation by the "mirada" A little handbook of the invitation by the "mirada" Petit manuel d'invitation par la mirada

(Bitte entschuldige, im Moment noch nicht auf Deutsch verfügbar..)

I see there are a lot of popular (and false) beliefs surrounding the invitation by the "mirada" in tango and that this is always controversy, particularly in a context where women are having a hard time inviting.
I am trying to explain here the social response that has been invented to solve this thorny issue.

The problem to be solved can be formulated as follows; it is about designing a system that is:

  • symmetrical: both men and women should be able to invite, i.e. express their desire to dance with the person of their choice.
  • respectful: both men and women should be able to freely accept or refuse to dance according to any criterion that they see fit. In particular, no one must be forced to dance or be subject to pressure to that end.
  • effective: the system must be able to generate as many invitations as possible so as not to "miss" potential invitations.

    The procedure that has been invented is based on the "mirada" and takes place as follows:
  • 1/ the man or woman who wants to dance expresses his/her intention by staring at the object of his/her desire: (s)he makes the so-called "mirada".
  • 2/ with the exception of bad luck (or deliberate intent), the person stared at becomes soon aware that (s)he is “miraded”. At that time, (s)he makes a choice: acceptance or refusal.
    - In the event that (s)he refuses, (s)he looks away to indicate his/her refusal.
    - In the event that (s)he accepts, (s)he returns the gaze to indicate her/his acceptance.
    From that moment, the agreement is mutual and validated.
  • 3/ the man then takes the (weak...) risk of the cabeceo by nodding his head to indicate that the case is tried. The woman then responds with a nod to make her acceptance clear.
    This is (roughly) how it works.

    It can be seen that such a system meets the objectives originally sought:
  • symmetrical: because both men and women can send the "mirada" and therefore invite.
  • respectful: because no one is forced to accept the invitation. In particular, it avoids the classical pressure of the direct invitation which forces the person who refuses to verbally justify why. It also avoids the “excavator” invitation where the man physically grabs the women by her hand and drags her on the dancefloor (often committed by men, we have to admit).
  • effective: because the refusal is socially discreet, which means that the moment of refusal is the least possible painful (but still is, if the protagonists don't know how to handle it psychologically...). The emotional cost being low, it ensures that invitations will be made easily, thus maximizing the number of invitations.
    The system does not remove the pain of refusal, though. But this is another story that everyone has to manage personally...
    This system may not be perfect, but it seems to me that it is optimal.

    Conclusion
    It should be noted that this type of invitation is designed to facilitate... refusal.
    This may seem odd for a system that is interested in producing an invitation.
    But thinking of it, one understands that there is a search for the quality of the acceptance.
    Indeed, favoring the ‘No’ means that the ‘Yes’ will be of good quality: genuine and shared, which bodes well for the exchange that is going to happen in the tanda to come.
    In fact, practicing the "mirada" is a manifestation of the search for quality in dance.

    To go a little further into the subtlety of the system.
    The "mirada" is only a part of the procedure. To fully succeed, there is a "before" and an "after".

    - Before the "mirada"
    It is appropriate to position oneself correctly vis-à-vis the invitee. It is better to face him/her and avoid enfilade which is prone to generate duplicate invitations (see problems below). That is why men and women are positioned across the room in Buenos Aires. And this should also be so in milongas where this type of invitation is to be promoted.

    - After the "mirada"
    The man must approach the woman without entering too close into her neighborhood (and without trespassing into the dancefloor…). She waits for him and then joins him. Throughout this journey, it is crucial that the man does not take his eyes off the woman to avoid the invitation theft (see problems below).

    - After the tanda
    The man is supposed to escort the woman where she wants to go, usually back at her table. We don't drop our partner in the middle of the dancefloor like a used Kleenex: a little bit of respect and elegance doesn't hurt. (Unless she expresses otherwise).

    The procedure must be performed correctly to avoid a number of potential problems:
  • 1/ The cabeceo without "mirada" (or double "mirada" of the women)
    Sometimes the man thinks that the "mirada" is for him whereas it addresses his neighbor. In such a case, the women must respond negatively to the cabeceo by looking away. The man who received such a refusal - when, logically, the agreement seemed to have been already established - must then understand that there is an error on the person and withdraw to leave the field open to the woman and "the other person” who must be in his neighbourhood, usually behind or next to him.
    If he identifies the lucky one but who does not seem to see that he is subject to a "mirada", he must NOT draw his attention to the fact because perhaps he has seen that he was “miraded” but that he doesn't want to respond positively. Making him notice would be insensitive to everyone. (However, see below the mistake of failing to reply to a “mirada”)
  • 2/ the double "mirada" of the man
    Sometimes two women are close one from another and the "mirada" attracts the attention of both. Both think they are solicited.
    Two options are then possible for the man:
    - look away and move to be in a non-ambiguous spot and start over from the new spot.
    - look away and hope that the invitees, understanding the problem, will cooperate to withdraw one after another to resolve the ambiguity (it is rare but it works with people who know the system well)
  • 3/ the double invitation:
    If in the previous situation, the men did not pay attention and he did the cabeceo anyway, he now has two invitations in parallel. It is always possible to try to “save the whole ship from going under" by staring at the person invited on the journey to join her. The uninvited person ending up perceiving it, she should have the elegance not to interfere in the process.
  • 4/ invitation theft
    Sometimes a few indelicates (yes, they are always women in this case…) try to steal the invitation to the other woman by springing up and rushing to the man who approaches, faking the double invitation.
    It is the man responsibility to ignore or turn away the cheater by focusing on the real invitee, always staring at her and her only.
  • 5/ the genuine invitation “theft”
    It also happens that a woman sincerely believes she has been invited (on a double "mirada", due to the poor execution of the man) and presents herself to the approaching man.
    This should not happen because the woman has to pay attention to the man approaching. As he has to stare at her, there is a moment when their eyes will disconnect because the invitation was not for her. But sometimes, due to lack of practice, some women do not realize and truly present themselves.
    In such a case, the man should kindly explain to the non-invitee what just did happen and — perhaps promise her the next tanda but — continue with the person actually invited. A little tact should help to resolve this delicate and very rare situation.

    Classic mistakes
  • 1/ ill choosing the time to make a "mirada"
    It is important to make the "mirada" at an appropriate time. If the person is in big discussion with a friend, in intimate contact with his/her beloved one, reading his/her messages, having dinner, etc. It is obvious that the moment is not the right one. It is up to everyone to assess the situation.
  • 2/ not replying to the "mirada" when you want to refuse
    Apart from the obvious cases where the "mirada" cannot be seen (see the above cases), it is imperative to respond to the "mirada"s, especially when you want to refuse. Not responding is a mistake for at least two reasons:
    - it is uncharitable to keep the inviting person waiting for too long.
    - it is your best interest to "get rid" of the inviting person, otherwise, you will find yourself with a blind spot in the room to which you are not going to dare to turn your glance toward and this is very uncomfortable.
    Responding negatively solves both issues and relieves everyone.
  • 3/ making a ’no’ with the head to refuse
    The best way to refuse an invitation by "mirada" is:
    - to look at the person to make him understand that you have received the message
    - if possible to make a gentle smile because you are a nice person looking at another nice person
    - then to look away to clearly signify your refusal
    The ‘no’ of the head must be reserved for stubborn people who do not understand well (or refuse to understand...) your initial refusal. Because the 'no’ with the head is not discreet, it is by nature insensitive. Avoid it whenever possible.
  • 4/ insisting whereas there has been a refusal or when there is obviously no positive answer.
    When the invitation has been refused, it is imperative to draw the consequences and to leave. Continuing to be posted and stare at the person is not very delicate, is not going to work in any way and will sometimes even force the person to move away because it is unpleasant to stand a continuous "mirada" for too long.
    Of course, this assumes that the invitee did not make the mistake of not responding negatively to your "mirada".
  • 5/ not using the "mirada" with people we know well
    This means that we can be less sensitive to people we know well. It's possible, but why do it? The fact that we know the person doesn't mean that he/she always wants to dance with you.
  • 6/ not refusing direct invitations
    If you do not refuse direct invitations, including the ones from your well-known friends, you expose yourself to uncomfortable situations and you do not go in the direction of the group enlightenment.
    Somehow, you don't have people respect yourself and you are not clear in communicating your choices.
  • 7/ refusing direct invitations abruptly When, in spite of everything else, a direct invitation occurs, you have a chance to pass the message that you do not accept direct invitations, but you are also not obliged to be more unpleasant than necessary, except perhaps with an obnoxious and stubborn person.
    Inventing a little excuse is always a touch of tact toward the person inviting you.

    Classic criticisms of the system
  • 1/ only men can invite: Women are reduced to wait passively.
    False.
    The system is symmetrical. Both men and women can invite because the "mirada" is available to everyone.
    Women should learn how to do the "mirada": they are indeed allowed to use it to invite.
  • 2/ it is a sexist system because only men can initiate the cabeceo False.
    We saw that the system is symmetrical for invitations with the "mirada".
    Indeed the cabeceo is only initiated by men, but it is more of a risk than an advantage. The woman also (possibly) responds by a cabeceo but in second position which is much more comfortable.
  • 3/ why bother with such a system: the direct invitation is easier.
    First off, it is not necessarily easier. The direct invitation may be a problem for shy men or women.
    Furthermore, the use of the "mirada" is more respectful for everyone: it is always more difficult to refuse a direct invitation than to look away: you have to justify yourself or be unpleasant to someone. And receive in return the expression of the frustration of the person getting the refusal. Sometimes, some men are so disrespectful with the woman they invite that they “avenge” on them by displaying their frustrations or by holding grudges.
    Understanding and applying such a system reflects a conscious and respectful approach toward the invited person by integrating within the core of the invitation his/her right to refuse.
  • 4/ if women could invite, they would dance more. Pointless.
    They can invite: just use the mirada. No guarantee of success, though, like men.
  • 5/ if women could invite verbally, they would dance more.
    Uncertain.
    They would certainly receive a more verbal refusal.
    And otherwise, the tandas that they would get would be not (or less) desired and therefore probably of poor quality; and if their approach is to say "I don't care at least I dance", they certainly don't deserve to get the tanda with you.

    Source: 'Carlos Di Sarli' on Facebook

    • I see there are a lot of popular (and false) beliefs surrounding the invitation by the "mirada" in tango and that this is always controversy, particularly in a context where women are having a hard time inviting.
    I am trying to explain here the social response that has been invented to solve this thorny issue.

    The problem to be solved can be formulated as follows; it is about designing a system that is:

  • symmetrical: both men and women should be able to invite, i.e. express their desire to dance with the person of their choice.
  • respectful: both men and women should be able to freely accept or refuse to dance according to any criterion that they see fit. In particular, no one must be forced to dance or be subject to pressure to that end.
  • effective: the system must be able to generate as many invitations as possible so as not to "miss" potential invitations.

    The procedure that has been invented is based on the "mirada" and takes place as follows:
  • 1/ the man or woman who wants to dance expresses his/her intention by staring at the object of his/her desire: (s)he makes the so-called "mirada".
  • 2/ with the exception of bad luck (or deliberate intent), the person stared at becomes soon aware that (s)he is “miraded”. At that time, (s)he makes a choice: acceptance or refusal.
    - In the event that (s)he refuses, (s)he looks away to indicate his/her refusal.
    - In the event that (s)he accepts, (s)he returns the gaze to indicate her/his acceptance.
    From that moment, the agreement is mutual and validated.
  • 3/ the man then takes the (weak...) risk of the cabeceo by nodding his head to indicate that the case is tried. The woman then responds with a nod to make her acceptance clear.
    This is (roughly) how it works.

    It can be seen that such a system meets the objectives originally sought:
  • symmetrical: because both men and women can send the "mirada" and therefore invite.
  • respectful: because no one is forced to accept the invitation. In particular, it avoids the classical pressure of the direct invitation which forces the person who refuses to verbally justify why. It also avoids the “excavator” invitation where the man physically grabs the women by her hand and drags her on the dancefloor (often committed by men, we have to admit).
  • effective: because the refusal is socially discreet, which means that the moment of refusal is the least possible painful (but still is, if the protagonists don't know how to handle it psychologically...). The emotional cost being low, it ensures that invitations will be made easily, thus maximizing the number of invitations.
    The system does not remove the pain of refusal, though. But this is another story that everyone has to manage personally...
    This system may not be perfect, but it seems to me that it is optimal.

    Conclusion
    It should be noted that this type of invitation is designed to facilitate... refusal.
    This may seem odd for a system that is interested in producing an invitation.
    But thinking of it, one understands that there is a search for the quality of the acceptance.
    Indeed, favoring the ‘No’ means that the ‘Yes’ will be of good quality: genuine and shared, which bodes well for the exchange that is going to happen in the tanda to come.
    In fact, practicing the "mirada" is a manifestation of the search for quality in dance.

    To go a little further into the subtlety of the system.
    The "mirada" is only a part of the procedure. To fully succeed, there is a "before" and an "after".

    - Before the "mirada"
    It is appropriate to position oneself correctly vis-à-vis the invitee. It is better to face him/her and avoid enfilade which is prone to generate duplicate invitations (see problems below). That is why men and women are positioned across the room in Buenos Aires. And this should also be so in milongas where this type of invitation is to be promoted.

    - After the "mirada"
    The man must approach the woman without entering too close into her neighborhood (and without trespassing into the dancefloor…). She waits for him and then joins him. Throughout this journey, it is crucial that the man does not take his eyes off the woman to avoid the invitation theft (see problems below).

    - After the tanda
    The man is supposed to escort the woman where she wants to go, usually back at her table. We don't drop our partner in the middle of the dancefloor like a used Kleenex: a little bit of respect and elegance doesn't hurt. (Unless she expresses otherwise).

    The procedure must be performed correctly to avoid a number of potential problems:
  • 1/ The cabeceo without "mirada" (or double "mirada" of the women)
    Sometimes the man thinks that the "mirada" is for him whereas it addresses his neighbor. In such a case, the women must respond negatively to the cabeceo by looking away. The man who received such a refusal - when, logically, the agreement seemed to have been already established - must then understand that there is an error on the person and withdraw to leave the field open to the woman and "the other person” who must be in his neighbourhood, usually behind or next to him.
    If he identifies the lucky one but who does not seem to see that he is subject to a "mirada", he must NOT draw his attention to the fact because perhaps he has seen that he was “miraded” but that he doesn't want to respond positively. Making him notice would be insensitive to everyone. (However, see below the mistake of failing to reply to a “mirada”)
  • 2/ the double "mirada" of the man
    Sometimes two women are close one from another and the "mirada" attracts the attention of both. Both think they are solicited.
    Two options are then possible for the man:
    - look away and move to be in a non-ambiguous spot and start over from the new spot.
    - look away and hope that the invitees, understanding the problem, will cooperate to withdraw one after another to resolve the ambiguity (it is rare but it works with people who know the system well)
  • 3/ the double invitation:
    If in the previous situation, the men did not pay attention and he did the cabeceo anyway, he now has two invitations in parallel. It is always possible to try to “save the whole ship from going under" by staring at the person invited on the journey to join her. The uninvited person ending up perceiving it, she should have the elegance not to interfere in the process.
  • 4/ invitation theft
    Sometimes a few indelicates (yes, they are always women in this case…) try to steal the invitation to the other woman by springing up and rushing to the man who approaches, faking the double invitation.
    It is the man responsibility to ignore or turn away the cheater by focusing on the real invitee, always staring at her and her only.
  • 5/ the genuine invitation “theft”
    It also happens that a woman sincerely believes she has been invited (on a double "mirada", due to the poor execution of the man) and presents herself to the approaching man.
    This should not happen because the woman has to pay attention to the man approaching. As he has to stare at her, there is a moment when their eyes will disconnect because the invitation was not for her. But sometimes, due to lack of practice, some women do not realize and truly present themselves.
    In such a case, the man should kindly explain to the non-invitee what just did happen and — perhaps promise her the next tanda but — continue with the person actually invited. A little tact should help to resolve this delicate and very rare situation.

    Classic mistakes
  • 1/ ill choosing the time to make a "mirada"
    It is important to make the "mirada" at an appropriate time. If the person is in big discussion with a friend, in intimate contact with his/her beloved one, reading his/her messages, having dinner, etc. It is obvious that the moment is not the right one. It is up to everyone to assess the situation.
  • 2/ not replying to the "mirada" when you want to refuse
    Apart from the obvious cases where the "mirada" cannot be seen (see the above cases), it is imperative to respond to the "mirada"s, especially when you want to refuse. Not responding is a mistake for at least two reasons:
    - it is uncharitable to keep the inviting person waiting for too long.
    - it is your best interest to "get rid" of the inviting person, otherwise, you will find yourself with a blind spot in the room to which you are not going to dare to turn your glance toward and this is very uncomfortable.
    Responding negatively solves both issues and relieves everyone.
  • 3/ making a ’no’ with the head to refuse
    The best way to refuse an invitation by "mirada" is:
    - to look at the person to make him understand that you have received the message
    - if possible to make a gentle smile because you are a nice person looking at another nice person
    - then to look away to clearly signify your refusal
    The ‘no’ of the head must be reserved for stubborn people who do not understand well (or refuse to understand...) your initial refusal. Because the 'no’ with the head is not discreet, it is by nature insensitive. Avoid it whenever possible.
  • 4/ insisting whereas there has been a refusal or when there is obviously no positive answer.
    When the invitation has been refused, it is imperative to draw the consequences and to leave. Continuing to be posted and stare at the person is not very delicate, is not going to work in any way and will sometimes even force the person to move away because it is unpleasant to stand a continuous "mirada" for too long.
    Of course, this assumes that the invitee did not make the mistake of not responding negatively to your "mirada".
  • 5/ not using the "mirada" with people we know well
    This means that we can be less sensitive to people we know well. It's possible, but why do it? The fact that we know the person doesn't mean that he/she always wants to dance with you.
  • 6/ not refusing direct invitations
    If you do not refuse direct invitations, including the ones from your well-known friends, you expose yourself to uncomfortable situations and you do not go in the direction of the group enlightenment.
    Somehow, you don't have people respect yourself and you are not clear in communicating your choices.
  • 7/ refusing direct invitations abruptly When, in spite of everything else, a direct invitation occurs, you have a chance to pass the message that you do not accept direct invitations, but you are also not obliged to be more unpleasant than necessary, except perhaps with an obnoxious and stubborn person.
    Inventing a little excuse is always a touch of tact toward the person inviting you.

    Classic criticisms of the system
  • 1/ only men can invite: Women are reduced to wait passively.
    False.
    The system is symmetrical. Both men and women can invite because the "mirada" is available to everyone.
    Women should learn how to do the "mirada": they are indeed allowed to use it to invite.
  • 2/ it is a sexist system because only men can initiate the cabeceo False.
    We saw that the system is symmetrical for invitations with the "mirada".
    Indeed the cabeceo is only initiated by men, but it is more of a risk than an advantage. The woman also (possibly) responds by a cabeceo but in second position which is much more comfortable.
  • 3/ why bother with such a system: the direct invitation is easier.
    First off, it is not necessarily easier. The direct invitation may be a problem for shy men or women.
    Furthermore, the use of the "mirada" is more respectful for everyone: it is always more difficult to refuse a direct invitation than to look away: you have to justify yourself or be unpleasant to someone. And receive in return the expression of the frustration of the person getting the refusal. Sometimes, some men are so disrespectful with the woman they invite that they “avenge” on them by displaying their frustrations or by holding grudges.
    Understanding and applying such a system reflects a conscious and respectful approach toward the invited person by integrating within the core of the invitation his/her right to refuse.
  • 4/ if women could invite, they would dance more. Pointless.
    They can invite: just use the mirada. No guarantee of success, though, like men.
  • 5/ if women could invite verbally, they would dance more.
    Uncertain.
    They would certainly receive a more verbal refusal.
    And otherwise, the tandas that they would get would be not (or less) desired and therefore probably of poor quality; and if their approach is to say "I don't care at least I dance", they certainly don't deserve to get the tanda with you.

    Source: 'Carlos Di Sarli' on Facebook

    • Je vois qu’il y a pas mal d’idées reçues (et fausses) autour de l’invitation par la mirada en tango et que cela constitue toujours une polémique, particulièrement dans un contexte où les femmes ont du mal à inviter.
    Je vais essayer d’expliquer ici la réponse sociale qui a été inventée pour tenter de résoudre cet épineux problème.

    Le problème à résoudre peut se formuler de la manière suivante. Il s’agit de concevoir un système:

  • symétrique: les hommes comme les femmes doivent pouvoir inviter, c’est-à-dire exprimer leur désir de danser avec la personne de leur choix.
  • respectueux: les hommes comme les femmes doivent pouvoir librement accepter ou refuser de danser suivant tout critère qui lui est personnel. En particulier, personne ne doit être obligé de danser, ni subir de pression en ce sens, ni même avoir à motiver les raisons de son refus.
  • efficace: le système doit pouvoir générer le plus d’invitations possibles pour ne pas “rater” d’invitations potentielles.

    La procédure qui a été inventée est basée sur la mirada et se déroule comme suit:
  • 1/ L’homme ou la femme qui veut danser exprime son intention en fixant du regard l’objet de son désir: il/elle fait une mirada.
  • 2/ Sauf malchance importante (ou intention délibérée), la personne regardée se rend compte qu’elle est “miradée”. À ce moment-là, elle fait un choix: acceptation ou refus.
    - Dans le cas où elle refuse, elle détourne le regard pour indiquer son refus.
    - Dans le cas où elle accepte, elle soutient le regard pour indiquer son acceptation.
    À partir de ce moment-là, l’accord est mutuel et validé.
  • 3/ L’homme prend alors le risque (faible…) du cabeceo en hochant la tête pour indiquer que l’affaire est entendue. La femme répond alors par un hochement de tête pour expliciter son acceptation.
    Voilà, très schématiquement, comment cela fonctionne.

    On peut voir qu’un tel système répond bien aux objectifs initialement recherchés:
  • symétrique car l’homme comme la femme peuvent émettre la mirada
  • respectueux car personne n’est obligé d’accepter l’invitation. En particulier, on évite la pression classique de l’invitation directe qui oblige la personne qui refuse à se justifier verbalement. On évite aussi l’invitation “tracto-pelle” où l’invitant(e) attrape physiquement l’invité(e) par la main et le/la traîne sur la piste (délit souvent commis par les hommes, il faut bien le reconnaître)
  • efficace car le refus est socialement discret, ce qui fait que le moment du refus est le moins douloureux possible (mais le reste tout de même si les protagonistes ne savent pas bien le gérer psychologiquement…). Le coût émotionnel étant faible, les invitations sont multipliées à l’envi.
    Notez que le système ne supprime pas la douleur du refus, mais cela est une autre histoire que chacun doit gérer personnellement…
    Ce système n’est peut-être pas parfait mais il me semble qu’il est optimal.

    —— Conclusion
    Il faut remarquer que ce mode d’invitation est conçu pour faciliter… le refus.
    Cela peut sembler curieux pour un système s’attachant à produire une invitation.
    Mais à y réfléchir, on comprend qu’il y a recherche de la qualité de l’acceptation.
    En effet, favoriser le ‘non’ assure que le ‘oui’ sera de bonne qualité, ce qui est de bon augure pour l’échange qu’il va y avoir dans la tanda à venir.
    En fait, pratiquer la mirada n’est qu’une manifestation de la recherche de la qualité dans la danse.

    Pour aller un peu plus loin dans la subtilité du système.
    La mirada n’est qu’une partie de la procédure. Pour la réussir, il y a un “avant” et un “après”.

    - Avant la mirada
    Il convient de bien se positionner vis-à-vis de la personne invitée. Il vaut mieux être de face et d’éviter les enfilades qui sont propres à générer des doubles invitations (voir problèmes ci-après). C’est pourquoi les hommes et les femmes sont positionnés les uns en face des autres à Buenos Aires et devrait aussi l’être dans les milongas où l’on veut promouvoir ce type d’invitation.

    - Après la mirada
    L’homme doit s’approcher de la femme sans toutefois entrer dans son voisinage trop proche (et sans traverser la piste…) Celle-ci l’attend puis le rejoint. Pendant tout ce trajet, il est crucial que l’homme ne quitte pas la femme des yeux, pour éviter le vol d’invitation (voir ci-après).

    - Après la tanda
    L’homme est censé raccompagner la femme où elle désire aller, en général à sa table. À moins que celle-ci en exprime le souhait, on évite d’abandonner sa partenaire au milieu de la piste comme un kleenex: un peu d’égards et d’élégance ne fait de mal à personne.

    La procédure doit être exécutée correctement pour éviter un certains nombres de problèmes potentiels:
  • 1/ Le cabeceo sans mirada (ou double mirada de la femme)
    Parfois, l’homme pense que la mirada est pour lui alors qu’elle s’adresse à son voisin. Dans un tel cas, la femme doit répondre négativement au cabeceo en détournant le regard. L’homme qui reçoit un tel refus, alors que l’accord semblait établi, doit comprendre qu’il y a erreur sur la personne et se retirer pour laisser le champ libre à la femme et “l’autre homme” qui doit se trouver dans son voisinage, en général derrière lui.
    S’il identifie l’heureux élu mais que celui-ci ne semble voir qu’il est l’objet d’une mirada, il ne doit PAS attirer son attention sur le fait car peut-être celui-ci a parfaitement vu qu’il était “miradé” mais qu’il ne veut pas répondre favorablement. Le lui faire remarquer serait indélicat pour tout le monde. (Voir toutefois ci-dessous l’erreur qui consiste à ne pas répondre à une mirada).
  • 2/ La double mirada de l’homme
    Parfois deux femmes sont proches et la mirada attire l’attention des deux. Chacune pense être sollicitée.
    Deux options sont alors possibles:
    - détourner le regard pour l’invitant, se déplacer pour être dans une situation non-ambigüe et recommencer la mirada depuis la nouvelle place.
    - détourner le regard pour l’invitant et espérer que les invité(e)s, comprenant le problème, se concerteront pour se retirer l’une après l’autre pour résoudre l’ambiguité (c’est rare mais cela fonctionne avec des gens qui connaissent bien le système)
  • 3/ La double invitation:
    Si dans la situation précédente, l’invitant n’a pas bien fait attention et qu’il a tout de même fait le cabeceo, il a désormais deux invitations en parallèle. Il est toujours possible de tenter de “sauver les meubles” en fixant du regard la personne invitée lors du trajet pour la rejoindre. La personne non-invitée finit par le percevoir. Elle devrait avoir l’élégance de ne pas interférer.
  • 4/ Le vol d’invitation
    Parfois, quelques indélicates (oui, ce sont presque toujours des femmes dans ce cas-là) tentent de voler l’invitation à une autre en jaillissant et en se précipitant sur l’homme qui s’approche, feignant la double invitation.
    C’est à l’homme d’éconduire la tricheuse en l’ignorant et en se concentrant sur la réelle invitée, toujours en la fixant du regard.
  • 5/ Le “vol” sincère d’invitation
    Il arrive aussi qu’une femme pense sincèrement avoir été invitée (sur une double mirada suite à une mauvaise exécution de l’homme) et se présente devant l’homme qui s’approche.
    Cela ne devrait pas arriver car la femme doit faire attention au regard de l’homme qui s’approche. Comme celui-ci doit la fixer du regard, il y a un moment où les regards se déconnecteront puisque l’invitation n’était pas pour elle. Mais parfois, par manque de pratique, il arrive que certaines femmes ne s’en rendent pas compte et sincèrement se présentent.
    Dans un tel cas, l’homme devrait expliquer gentiment à la non-invitée ce qu’il vient de se passer (et peut-être lui promettre la tanda suivante) mais continuer avec la personne réellement invitée. Un peu de tact devrait permettre de résoudre cette situation délicate et rarissime.

    Les erreurs classiques
  • 1/ Mal choisir son moment pour faire une mirada
    Il est important de faire la mirada à un moment adéquat. Si la personne est en grande discussion avec un ami, en relation intime avec son conjoint, en train de lire ses messages, en train de diner, etc. il est évident que le moment est mal choisi. C’est à chacun d’apprécier la situation.
  • 2/ Ne pas répondre à la mirada quand on veut refuser
    Hors les cas évidents où la mirada ne peut pas être perçue (voir les cas mentionnés ci-dessus…), il faut répondre aux miradas, surtout dans le cas du refus. Ne pas y répondre est une erreur pour au moins deux raisons:
    - C’est indélicat de faire poireauter l’invitant.
    - C’est votre intérêt de vous “débarrasser” de l’invitant, sans quoi vous aller vous retrouver avec une partie de la salle vers laquelle vous n’allez pas oser tourner la tête et c’est très inconfortable.
    Répondre négativement permet de résoudre la situation et libère tout le monde.
  • 3/ Faire ‘non’ de la tête pour refuser
    La meilleure façon de refuser une invitation par mirada est:
    - de regarder la personne pour lui faire comprendre que vous avez compris le message
    - si possible de lui sourire car vous êtes une belle personne qui s’adresse à une autre belle personne
    - enfin de détourner le regard pour clairement signifier votre refus.
    La fuite du regard peut survenir avant ou après le cabeceo.
    Le ‘non’ de la tête doit être réservé aux insistants qui ne comprennent pas bien (ou qui refusent de comprendre…) votre refus initial. Le ‘non’ de la tête n’étant pas discret, il est par nature indélicat.
  • 4/ Insister alors que l’on a reçu un refus ou que manifestement il n’y pas de retour positif.
    Lorsque l’invitant a reçu un refus, il est impératif d’en tirer les conséquences et de déguerpir. Continuer à être posté et à fixer la personne n’est pas très délicat, ne va pas marcher de toute façon et va parfois même forcer la personne à se déplacer tellement il est désagréable de subir une mirada en continu pendant trop longtemps.
    Bien sûr, cela suppose que l’invité(e) n’a pas fait l’erreur de ne pas répondre négativement à votre mirada.
  • 5/ Ne pas utiliser la mirada avec les gens que l’on connait bien
    Cela revient à dire que l’on se permet d’être moins délicat avec les gens que l’on connaît bien. C’est possible mais pourquoi le faire ? Le fait que l’on connaît bien la personne ne signifie pas qu’elle a toujours envie de danser avec vous.
  • 6/ Ne pas refuser les invitations directes
    Si vous ne refusez pas les invitations directes, y compris de vos connaissances, vous vous exposez à des situations inconfortables et vous n’allez pas dans le sens de l’éducation du groupe.
    Quelque part, vous ne vous faites pas respecter et vous ne vous positionnez pas clairement.
  • 7/ Refuser les invitations directes de manière abrupte 7/ Refuser les invitations directes de manière abrupte
    Inventer une petite excuse est toujours une marque de tact vis-à-vis de l’invitant.

    Les critiques classiques du système
  • 1/ Seuls les homme peuvent inviter: les femmes en sont réduites à attendre passivement.
    Faux.
    Le système est symétrique. Les hommes comme les femmes peuvent inviter car la mirada est possible pour tout le monde.
    Les femmes doivent apprendre à faire la mirada: elle ont aussi le droit d’inviter (respectueusement, c’est-à-dire par la mirada).
  • 2/ C’est un système machiste car seuls les hommes peuvent initier le cabeceo Faux.
    On a vu que le système est symétrique.
    Le cabeceo n’est initié que par l’homme mais il s’agit plus d’une prise de risque que d’un avantage. La femme répond éventuellement par un cabeceo mais en seconde position ce qui est bien plus confortable.
  • 3/ Pourquoi s’embêter avec un tel système: l’invitation directe, c’est plus facile.
    D’abord, ce n’est pas nécessairement plus facile. L’invitation directe peut constituer un problème chez certains hommes ou certaines femmes timides.
    Ensuite l’usage de la mirada est plus respectueux pour tout le monde: il est toujours plus difficile de refuser une invitation directe que de détourner le regard: il faut se justifier ou être soit-même désagréable. Et subir en retour l’expression de la frustration de la personne recevant le refus. Parfois, certains hommes sont tellement peu respectueux des femmes qu’ils invitent, qu'ils se “vengent” sur elles de leurs frustrations en s’énervant ou en leur gardant rancune.
    Comprendre et appliquer un tel système dénote une démarche consciente et une approche respectueuse de la personne invitée en intégrant dès le début son droit de refuser.
  • 4/ Si les femmes pouvaient inviter, elles danseraient plus. Sans objet.
    Elles peuvent inviter (via la mirada).
  • 5/ Si les femmes pouvaient inviter directement, elles danseraient plus.
    Incertain.
    Mais elles recevraient certainement plus de refus directs.
    Et dans le cas contraire, les tandas qu’elles provoqueraient seraient non ou moins désirées et donc sans doute de mauvaise qualité; si leur approche est de dire “Je m’en fiche au moins je danse”, elles ne méritent pas que l’on danse avec elles.

    Source: 'Carlos Di Sarli' sur Facebook